Andika Hilman Pramudita

"I'm getting older. I think I'm aging well." - Billie Eilish - Getting Older What are the things that I realize as I'm getting older? I'm 27 years old and prefer to blame other people instead of always over-self-blaming. I recognized that I used to self-blame myself a lot in every scenario. It was kind, but in the long run, it was damaging. It was damaging self-confidence and self-esteem (honestly I just didn't know the difference between these two words, but you get the point). I knew that it was happening, therefore I tried to start to not blame myself.  I'm not blaming others 'out loud'. I just keep it for myself or when I'm ranting to the people that I can trust. This is better for me but I wish I can do better. I hope this is just a phase that I can overcome. I hope instead of blaming anyone, I can just be understanding of the situation and be kind to everyone, including myself. I hope I can get wiser than this because deep down I know...

Alligator Cerpen oleh ahn Aku melihat aligator tersebut berjalan mondar-mandir. Berdiri dengan dua kaki, menopang badannya yang gemuk. Dia pemakan manusia. Pembawa keakacauan. Penghisap rasa bahagia. Penghancur dunia. Namun walaupun dia melihatku rendah, aku tetap bisa mengendalikan emosiku. Kau memang besar, tetapi aku adalah makhluk yang lebih berkualitas. Dan aku tidak marah, haha, tidak. Karena kita berdua tahu, yang marahlah yang kalah.

Dering Pertama Flash Fiction oleh ahn Seragam sekolah yang telah kusetrika pagi ini, terasa lebih hangat ketika dia masuk ke kelas. Keringat menetes dari dahiku. Dari bangkuku, diam-diam aku mencuri pandang karena aku tidak pernah menyapanya secara langsung.  Aku malu. Melihat keceriaannya ketika bertemu dengan teman-teman perempuannya. Dalam hati aku pun ingin menjadi bagian dari mereka. Orang yang dia bisa anggap sebagai sahabat sejati. Orang yang dia anggap bermakna. Aku kembali berkutat dengan buku catatanku. Menggambar entah apa sambil menunggu bel masuk. Dering pertama untuk bulan terakhir kita di sekolah ini pun berbunyi. Satu bulan sebelum memasuki masa ujian. Pelajaran berlangsung seperti biasa. Setidaknya bagiku, karena hampir seluruh kelas merasa cemas. Terutama setiap kali guru memberikan kami rangkuman ataupun tugas dalam rangka persiapan ujian. Bukannya aku terlalu meremehkan, tapi entah kenapa aku tidak merasakan apa-apa.  Pergantian mapel pun tiba. "Dika!" tib...

Aku Tahu Kamu Flash Fiction oleh ahn Kupeluk buku pelajaranku. Kupeluk sambil berjalan kembali ke kelas. Aku tidak memasukkannya ke dalam tas karena isinya terlalu banyak. Bodohnya aku karena membawa tas yang terlalu kecil dan "trendi" ini.  Kenapa juga aku berusaha untuk bergaya? Malu rasanya. Ini semua gara-gara pria itu. Dia. Dia yang hanya sebatas kutahu namanya. Kalau bukan karena kharismanya yang menarik, atau sikap baiknya yang meluluhkan hati, mungkin aku tidak menjadi seperti ini. Memang sih, dia aktif di berbagai kegiatan kampus. Dia juga cukup terkenal karena cerdas di kelas. Tapi dia bukan tipe yang bangga dengan dirinya. Dia pede, tetapi seringkali ia terlihat pemalu dan merendah. Entah mengapa semua itu membuat hatiku teralihkan olehnya. Mungkin karena dibandingkan dia, aku hanyalah orang biasa yang suka kuliah-pulang-kuliah-pulang. Aku bukan siapa-siapa. Tapi wajarkah kalau aku mengaguminya? Wajarkah kalau aku suka? Bagiku wajahnya yang rapi dan tampan hanyalah...

What I Want You To Do by ahn Love is toxic When I want you to smile One more time I miss you once again And it's painful Love me or leave me You gotta pick I'm a person Who can move on easily But not from you Not when you're not letting me Is this karma After all people that I left behind Or who I have given a false hope But why you too Give that to me Now I know How it feels It hurts It hurts Don't pretend to smile You don't have to try It hurts more When you confuse me Are you confused too? I just want you to leave Or stay, forever It's your call All yours All yours Love is toxic When I want you to Cry for me One more time One more time

Turun dari motor, aku melangkah lemas ke kamar kosku. Langit sudah gelap dan waktu sudah menunjukkan pukul adzan-isya-sudah-berkumandang-dari-tadi. Lesu rasanya ketika aku melepaskan sepatuku di depan pintu. Aneh, karena aku baru saja pulang dari sebuah first date . Kami makan lesehan (angkringan?) di pinggir jalan, mencicipi street food  yang sangat tidak sehat (baca: ENAK BANGET). Menikmati langit malam, berbincang-bincang, ditemani lampu-lampu kendaraan yang berseliweran. Aku menjemputnya jauuuuh sekali. Yang mana, sebelumnya aku berekspektasi dia yang datang menemuiku dengan sepeda motornya, di tempat yang sudah ditentukan. Lucunya dia ketiduran. Jadi, kisah cinta kita dimulai sejam lebih lambat.  Padahal aku sudah mengorbankan kerja kelompokku yang seharusnya tidak kutinggalkan di tengah-tengah diskusi kami. Teman-temanku lucu sekali, membuat seolah first date ku hari itu akan menjadi sesuatu yang sangat sangat spesial. Mereka banyak bercanda dan menggodaku. Dan hal itu m...

Kiilling Me BY AHN I am sad I've been saying this since my 2016 me locked herself in a room it's empty, dark and lonely There was no one there, but me, that's fortunate because when I threw something no one would ever hear it Because when I killed myself no one will be looking for me because when I was happy no one will laugh along with me I got my medicines on the table I have to hide it but I don't hide it because it's more painful when I try to hide it It's my feelings why should I hide it? It's my identity why should I hide it? There is a room for me in an asylum so big but my parents won't take me because they think I'm sane and healthy yet I need treatment and I need therapy, be grateful I'm not killing myself because it's been in my head before the pandemic Why is it so sad to have this illness No energy for rage I'm all wound up Like some bullets Staying in my body It's painful And it's so deep that the doctor can't ta...

Don't Be Afraid of Heaven a poem by ahn Don't be afraid of heaven It's not the end It's the beginning Of a everlasting journey It's an ideal place for you To grow To give To explore To do anything that your soul needs to do Don't be afraid of heaven You're needed there People need you In heaven, you're the angel You'll be appreciated Unlike hell Where everything you hate is there Heaven is different for everybody So, don't be afraid To fail before you die Be afraid for not having faith in heaven

I might seem strong now I can console people Giving some advices Enjoying my life But I was also a sad kid before My life was hard when I was younger I felt so lonely I stared a lot... to the blank wall There was a lot of emotions to feel I was overwhelmed too When I was a kid I enjoyed crying alone at night I did some crazy dances and pretended that I was alone My school life was the worst I was pushed to be the smartest kid but I was just not I got some bad grades I didn't know better than my friends It concerned me a lot I had no friends Maybe one or two But I never felt like they fully supported me I couldn't tell what I really feel to them I couldn't express myself freely It was just like having a person to eat at the canteen Or a person to sit with in the class until it was over When I had problems I didn't know where to go I couldn't tell my friends because I didn't want them to feel bad while listening to my stories I was sure they also had some concerns...

I SWEAR TO GOD a rap lyrics by jane ft. ahn I sweaaar to God! I'm so terrible I tried my best for my personalities I waaant to change But I did whateveer I can But I can't help, because it's coming baack to me Agaain and agaain I'm like the devil of my ownn story Aarghh, huhh!!! I doo some bad things I mess, sup, everything My mind's so fucked up Then people say, "Oh look!" "She's soo sensitive!" Oh fuck you! Is it my fault for having so many mental health, problems? And I'm soo terrible that it's soo easy for mee to hurt things But not, to fix it And when I tryy to fix it, I'm sooo annoying I'm a loser, failure, problematic, devil, and the bad oone I sweaaar to God! I feel, outcast(ed), I just feel I wann' cryy so bad Because of it But I can't cry, even-if I wann' cry, I just cry, internally Like... Why can Iiii just, never- Suppose to be happy in my liife I would nooot- All the time I wouund myseelf And I doon...

People say every single person has their own weakness. So, what's mine? Well, I got a lot! There are many things that make me scared, heartbroken, cry, mad, or turns me insane. But, do people know what makes them break? Do I? Let's figure it out! 1. Pain Break one of my fingers and I will talk. I keep telling myself that I'm not afraid of pain, but the fact? I am. I can't stand the pain of electricity or be shot by a gun. That must be hurt. Torture me and I won't stand it. I know I've survived so many accidents. But if the pain comes intentionally, that definitely will scare me. 2. Monster Put me in a room with the scariest creature you got and for sure I would scream in fear. But even an intimidating person can scare me. Heck, even a normal human being can scare me if they're yelling at me. But what makes me even scarier is if that person triggers my anger. I would really hate if I release "the monster" in me. I don't like to be mean to people...

Monster by ahn When you scare me I turn into a monster I say what's needed to be said I do what's needed to be done But you see me as a monster I'm so cold just because- I take my gun and blow the head Are you expecting me to cry on a mission? I don't care with your emotion Or my reputation Because, do you? This world is heartless Anxiety puts me in a war zone Depression gives me an army pointing So what's wrong for being serious Should I laugh when a nuke explodes? I'm scared so I- Turn into a monster Even a butterfly is scary When you see it too close

Moral Cop by ahn Your moral compast disgusts me Why are you on the street Trying to capture me? Giving a lecture in jail Who do you think you are? You're not Captain America I'm your mighty Thanos Don't try to fix me I'm not your fucking toy And you should check your heart Are you really sure it's bleeding? Because, heck, mine is! You're not the sheriff of this city So, don't treat me so shitty Look at you, tsk tsk, so petty Locked up the door! Don't let me blame myself You're so smart yet so evil Keeping me like a dog in a cage Oh, I'm so sorry, Ma'am For telling the world your sins But we're not inviting a cop As my life's a freaking party

WHAT IF...? Peter Parker Berminat dengan Psikologi, bukan Sains by ahn Di realita ini, Peter Parker adalah murid yang sangat cerdas. Namun minatnya bukan terhadap IPA, melainkan terhadap psikologi. Pada karya wisata sekolahnya ke sebuah pusat penelitian laba-laba, Peter dan Harry Osborn terlihat tidak antusias. Harry senang mendapat tugas dokumentasi karena ia bisa memamerkan hape barunya dengan kamera berkualitas di atas kamera digital. Sedangkan Peter yang pendiam hanya mengikutinya dari belakang. Selama berkeliling, Peter berusaha berjalan dekat dengan Mary Jane, gadis berambut merah yang ia kagumi diam-diam. Pada suatu saat, Mary Jane kagum melihat sebuah laba-laba berwarna merah. "Cantik sekali laba-laba yang ini!" serunya, lalu tanpa diduga ia menyikut Peter yang sedang berdiri di sampingnya,"Kamu tahu nggak ini jenis apa?" Peter yang sedari tadi tidak mendengarkan ucapan gurunya tidak bisa menjawab, "Ah... Anu, itu..." Tiba-tiba Flash Thomson mendor...

Identitas Baru cerpen oleh ahn Aku membuka mataku dan melihat diriku sendiri di cermin. "Wah..... Tampan sekali aku," bisikku dalam hati. Kuperhatikan tatapan mataku yang dalam, alis yang tebal, jambang yang panjang, kumis yang rapi, serta janggut yang hampir menutupi seluruh rahang dan daguku. "Orang bilang, memuji diri sendiri di depan cermin di pagi hari bisa mempengaruhi performa kita hari itu," kataku sambil melihat dalam ke balik mataku. Kemudian terlintas memori hari-hariku saat mengalami depresi. Aku tidak mau merasakannya lagi. "Namun haruskah aku mencoba untuk tersenyum?" tiba-tiba mulutku rasanya kaku, "Aku tidak pernah tahu caranya tersenyum," perlahan kutarik kedua ujung bibirku. Namun bukan keceriaan yang kulihat, melainkan ekspresi licik seolah ada intensi jahat di baliknya, yang membuatku langsung berhenti tersenyum. "Hmm... Kita akan coba lagi lain kali," kataku dengan grogi, sebelum akhirnya aku mempersiapkan diriku un...