Getting Older - Blog

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"I'm getting older. I think I'm aging well."
- Billie Eilish - Getting Older

What are the things that I realize as I'm getting older? I'm 27 years old and prefer to blame other people instead of always over-self-blaming. I recognized that I used to self-blame myself a lot in every scenario. It was kind, but in the long run, it was damaging. It was damaging self-confidence and self-esteem (honestly I just didn't know the difference between these two words, but you get the point). I knew that it was happening, therefore I tried to start to not blame myself. 

I'm not blaming others 'out loud'. I just keep it for myself or when I'm ranting to the people that I can trust. This is better for me but I wish I can do better. I hope this is just a phase that I can overcome. I hope instead of blaming anyone, I can just be understanding of the situation and be kind to everyone, including myself. I hope I can get wiser than this because deep down I know that blaming others is still wrong.

I'm getting older and I enjoy several things that I didn't enjoy before. These days I like playing hardcore games, like a first-person shooting game. I also like superhero, action, and horror movies; things that I thought were dumb before. I like the color black more than ever, sometimes even more than blue and green. I rarely write stories anymore, not because I don't have time, but because I'm not interested.

I used to feel like I know myself. But now, I feel that I'm more open to suggestions. I'm also not afraid to admit to like what I like, such things as K-pop, being emo, people that I'm comfortable hanging out with, and some movie franchises like MCU and Wizarding World. I hope I stay this way: More confident in myself without losing the idea about who I am.

"I'm getting older and now I've got more on my shoulders."

My parents now barely have income. I don't give much but sometimes I spare my mom and my sister some amounts of money. But at the same time, I don't put all that weight on my shoulders anymore. Right now I'm more dare to pursue my dream and things I enjoy. I recognize the responsibility but I'm not stuck only on that thought. I'm still young and I also want to let myself achieve many things in life.

I used to be sad or feel flat all the time, and I got a phase where I was blindly happy, but now I've changed. I'm sadder than ever but this time I know when I can prioritize pleasure. Well, kind of. At least, I'm in the process to go there.

"Things I once enjoyed just keep me employed now
Things I'm longing for someday I'll be bored of
It's so weird...
That we care so much until we don't"

I wish I start giving shit less.

"I've had some trauma, I did things I didn't wanna
Was too afraid to tell ya
But now I think it's time..."




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