Andika Hilman Pramudita

"I'm not good enough..."  "I didn't do enough..." That's what always inspires me to DO better. To BE better. But it's a sword with two edges. It also makes me always insecure with myself, with who I am and what I do. I have no confidence. I always feel like I lose. I'm a loser. I didn't do enough... I'm not good enough... At one side, it makes me becoming irrational. I become pessimistic and always see the bad side of things. On the other side, it motivates to always stand. To always fight and fix the problems. Sometimes, it makes me run away from it but, as soon as I gain my strength back, I come back to finish what I've done. They say you can break someone when you touch their moral core. They can turn angry, sad, or even depressed. Well, it happens to me. My core is to be good enough. Every time someone or something proves to me that I didn't do my best, I get so emotional. I feel so bad when I realize I'm not h...

"All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am... ...Just one bad day." - Joker (Batman: The Killing Joke - 2016)

Read the first part here:  https://andikahilman.blogspot.com/2019/07/24-questions-about-myself.html 25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?  Mountain!!! I like cool weather and peaceful place. I don't like people :p 26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?  Minecraft 27. HAIR COLOR? Black 28. EYE COLOR? Black? 29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? I wear a pair of glasses 30. FAVORITE FOOD? I can list this forever... FOOD: - Instant noodle (and some other variants of noodle) - Crab stew - Fried eggplant - Any chicken servings - Fried rice - Kikil - Fried duck, f ried Pigeon - Satay (chicken, goat, rabbit) - Quail eggs, salted eggs - Madura Soto, Makassar Coto, Banjar Soto, Siomay and Batagor Bandung, e tc. 31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings. Because scary movies are dumb and not educational. 32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? THE PURGE: ANARCHY >:) 33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Right now? Black t-shirt with a lion picture on ...

"Mom, why am I always wrong? Actually... I'm okay to be accused. It's just, when I try to fix things and I can't find the solution, or people aren't satisfied with what I've done, m y mind goes blank and I don't know what to do." Today, my psychologist gave me a homework to counter my irrational believe. We jumped to a conclusion that I always feel incapable about every thing. She asked me, "What if you're wrong BUT it's okay to be wrong?" I listened to those words one by one, "It doesn't make any sense," I said. I know it's gonna be painful to do this or, at least, uncomfortable, but we're going to do it today. But first, let's find out what are the example of irrational thoughts . These are some 'unhealthy negative emotions' in REBT by Albert Ellis (1959) theory that can produce some irrational thoughts: 1. Anxiety - Related with a THREAT or DANGER - Overestimates probability of thr...

Pacar. Aku memutuskan untuk punya pacar sejak Desember tahun lalu. Ada seseorang yang kutemui di dunia maya dan aku setengah mati berusaha untuk membuatnya mau jadi pacarku. Tujuannya sederhana: Aku mau punya pacar dan aku merasa dia orang yang tepat. Kukira dengan punya pacar, masalah hubungan cintaku sudah selesai. Masa depan percintaanku terjamin. Kukira dengan bertemu dengan orang t yang punya kesulitan hidup yang sama, kita berdua bisa menjalaninya berdua. Susah bareng, seneng bareng. Semuanya bersama sampai nanti tiba waktunya untuk menikah dan membesarkan anak kita. Selesai. Simpel. Ternyata tidak semudah itu. Aku tidak bisa membuatnya bahagia. Aku tidak pernah bisa memuaskannya. Dia ingin segala kriteria pria yang tidak aku punya: Ganteng, mapan, dan baik hati. Aku bukan orang seperti itu. Aku hanya bisa jadi teman yang suportif, tidak lebih. Aku berusaha untuk bekerja keras, memutar otak untuk menyelesaikan masalah finansialku, tetapi hal tersebut tidak cukup bu...

PAGI oleh a.h. Hening Dingin Sunyi Sepi Tersiksa Pagiku tanpamu Tanpa hangatnya tawamu Menusuk Saat kau membenciku Ketika tidak ada lagi yang sanggup kulakukan Tuk membuatmu bahagia Sayang Aku hanya bisa menjadi pendengar Pendukung Penemanimu Penyemangat Dan sesekali bernasihat Maafkan jika malammu tak nyaman karenaku Maafkan jika pagiku tak nyaman tanpamu Maafkan kuterlalu menyayangimu

Gue kecewa. Semenjak terjun ke masyarakat, gue belajar mengenai hal-hal baru, termasuk kenyataan pahit a.k.a. the ugly truth  tentang masyarakat kita. Gue akan sebut kondisi ini dengan nama 'Generasi Masokis'. Masokisme adalah kecenderungan untuk merasakan kenikmatan melalui rasa sakit, baik fisik maupun psikologis. Biasanya masokis ini merupakan variasi dari hubungan seksual, di mana mereka lebih terangsang saat dicambuk, diikat, dianiaya, ataupun dilontarkan kata-kata kasar yang manyakitkan hati mereka. Lucunya, gue merasa inilah yang terjadi dalam masyarakat kita sehari-hari. Mereka cenderung "masokis". Biar gue jelasin! Gue selalu mendapati orang-orang di sekitar gue mau bersikap baik ke gue baru setelah gue jahat ke mereka. Ketika gue senyum, ramah, berniat tulus, insiatif menolong, menjadi pendengar yang baik, dan sebagainya, justru gue malah dijahatin. Biasanya gue akan diremehkan, diabaikan, bahkan ketika gue ngomong jarang gue digubris. Ketika ada u...