Enough.

"I'm not good enough..." 
"I didn't do enough..."

That's what always inspires me to DO better. To BE better. But it's a sword with two edges. It also makes me always insecure with myself, with who I am and what I do. I have no confidence. I always feel like I lose. I'm a loser. I didn't do enough... I'm not good enough...

At one side, it makes me becoming irrational. I become pessimistic and always see the bad side of things. On the other side, it motivates to always stand. To always fight and fix the problems. Sometimes, it makes me run away from it but, as soon as I gain my strength back, I come back to finish what I've done.

They say you can break someone when you touch their moral core. They can turn angry, sad, or even depressed. Well, it happens to me. My core is to be good enough. Every time someone or something proves to me that I didn't do my best, I get so emotional. I feel so bad when I realize I'm not handsome, has good skin, doesn't dress well, doesn't have a good body, not polite enough, not funny enough, not smart enough, not diligent enough, or just not good enough. It's my weakness. I can't help it when I know I haven't given the best that I can give. Well, sometimes I fight back and win over it. But in the other times, when the situations can't be changed, I explode and hurt everyone around me, including myself. I'm stressed out because of my own belief.

I do realize that I'm not perfect tho. I'm not aiming for perfection anyway but I guess I'm still aiming for something. I'm aiming for a standard that I set by myself. Sometimes it's too high. Sometimes it requires a long duration and I can't be at ease before I reach the end. It gives me anxiety along the way which forces me to change the goal before I make the score. I guess that's why I'm not good at a long-term project. "Isn't that the mission? Isn't that the why fight, so we can end the fight, we get to go home?"

I'm here, writing on my blog, to find out how to fix what I believe so I won't get anxiety and depression over and over again. I'm stressing myself out, pushing my brain to work at its maximum, so I can find the way to be a better person. Do you want to know why these days I read a lot of books, watch a lot of inspirational movies? It's so I can stop hurting people that I love in the future and makes the world a peaceful place to live. I want to stop making mistakes. I want to prevent another battle. I want to prevent another war. Another chaos, but-

ENOUGH!!!

Yes, I'm not good enough. I didn't do enough. I won't. I will never be. I need to admit that. I also can't change this belief and it's okay. This is what makes me done well. This is what can make me always stand. This is what makes me rise every time I fall. I think it's good to think like Captain: To only fight the battle that's currently happening, not the one in the future. We get a problem, we fight. We lose, we avenge.

I might be the Tony Stark in the group. I don't mean that I'm the smartest one, but I can relate to him in some ways. I'm the one who's willing to do anything to fix the situation. I'm always down to do the right thing. I hurt myself to keep fighting back because I can take the pain. I'm a pessimistic visionary. I'm constantly worried and becoming a jerk as my coping mechanism. But that's what makes me significant.

The one who keeps standing to inspire others to rise.
 The one who dies so everybody can keep standing...

...and that's probably when I can say 'enough'.